After Summer...Comes The FALL.
There is nothing that feels as good as the new...but...nothing that fits as good as the old. The new, knows nothing, of the ghosts of love, that live within us. When they kiss us, touch us, love us...
We fight battles with memories of love as strong as a million battalions. But the smile on our face prevents you from seeing our hearts. We are the soldiers of Love Defeat.
On the outside, we are human. On the inside, we are broken. Slaves of memories, that wrap around us like lovers by the fireplace. Clouds, that make shapes that look like us. Sunsets, that render colors that match your skin tone. And voices in a crowd, that sound like you, but are not you...
When you kiss me, I feel guilt consume me, for it is a girl from the past that lives within me. When you touch my skin, I cringe...the texture of your hand, is different than hers...
When I call you, I almost call "her" every single time. Like it's programmed in my mind, in my heart, in my fingers, in my phone. When I tell you nice things...it's because I know I must, and I mean them...but am not ready to be saying them. And these statements take nothing from you...it's just that everything in me, is consumed by her. That is not your fault, but rather mine.
If I leave you here alone, in this park, after this talk...it's because I know you are worth more than what I am on this day. If I tell you this, and then walk away, do not call my name. Do not follow me. I am...broken, spoiled, and left open. Expired in this moment, curdled from this feeling.
These things are not caused by you, but this IS being ended by me. Your heart gives, like no one I have ever met. Your love is pure, like my childhood dreams of love. You deserve 100%, more than anyone I've ever met, but that's just not where I am today. Tears consume me, but not because of my pain, but because I can relate to yours. Wondering when someone will appreciate you for who you are...I've been there...I've lived that dream...I've stood ready...steady...and been broken by that very dream.
I've stood there...before someone I was utterly crazy about. And asked the very same questions, with the very same confusion...asking why, if you like me, you can't give this a try. Why you can't show me some effort, or some urgency...or act like you even appreciate this opportunity. Wondering if she ever once, even saw value in me...I've been bewildered, by a response as simple as..."I'm sorry, I just can't...you'll understand someday."
It's so easy for you to say "just give this a try." But I will not tear you, and I will not trick you, nor will I trick myself. I will not track my mud into your life. I will not let the gravel I travel on, cause you to slip on your highway that is perfectly paved. Trust me, it takes more strength to do this, than to just do what I want. Maybe I'm a fool for feeling this way, acting this way, reacting this way...maybe I'll regret this one day. But I don't have that answer....today.
You're worthy of a million dreams, granted in this lifetime. And those dreams, will happen for you. You are literally one in a hundred million. Beautiful, gentle, educated, classy, compassionate, humble, soft, giving, caring, loving, incredible, driven, and simply marvelous. Everything I desire in a woman. Every time I am around you, I can feel the presence of a million men, that would love to just talk to you, take you out, cook you dinner, hug you, kiss you, love you. Your journey to separate the real, from the rebels, must continue here tonight. So stop telling me the sweet things you shower me with. And you must stop doing the sweet things you do for me, including the little surprises. Your vision is blurred by my ability to dream of who I wish I was, just because I can communicate it well.
I can picture your eyes, and your tears, and your touch, as you read this letter. That's why I handed it to you...and walked away, and asked you not to open it, until I had driven away. I didn't wish to leave you alone, but I wanted you to see the sunset...and as I walked to my car, I wanted to see it too...and I wanted to know we were both looking at it at the same time...trivial to some...but a gift of irony in a moment of goodbye's, for me. For me to be happy, my life MUST be full of thought...nothing is surface material to me...everything I do, is like a braid, in some fashion...but sometimes I'm the only one that knows how the links connect.
Sit down, where you stand, sit down. Rest in this freshly cut green grass. Yesterday, when you took me to ice cream, I slipped a CD under your front passenger seat. Along with that CD I made...is the first card you gave me in August. What you wrote in that card, touched my heart...to the core. I had to ask myself, is she really real? Like really really real? I want you to do me a favor...one last favor...
I want you to read this and understand why I gave that card back. I gave it back...because every time you get down on life, or relationships, or love... I want you to open that card...and I want you to read what you wrote to me...and i want you to realize how incredibly amazing you are...I want you to read it out loud to yourself.
The CD is the "love" album you used to listen to on my iPod when we ran. :) I wanted to at least give you a copy of that folder, since it was your favorite...ugh. That iPod looked good on you...so if you dig further back under your passenger seat, the iPod is there too. I know yours broke, and I don't ever use mine.
I'll find you a "Perfect 9." Because we both understand, nobody wants a "Perfect 10," as you said. :)
I hope you understand...I'm just standing up for something...and that's YOUR future. I'll see you on the trails...and please don't chase me...because we both know I CAN'T out run you... :(