***I must remind the reader, ALL of my work is fiction. I never write about real life. Who could ever relate to that? We are puppets on strings, in someone else’s game. None of this was ever real, until proven so.
***And on a side note, this particular one is super super long. So I recommend if you have trouble following through with things, then don’t even start. I mean….why bother? Just walk away now…
The first full day without a text,
Since the day I met you,
After waking from last night,
The first night, without your blanket in my bed.
Adjustment, is the key to life,
Getting caught up on what was, will crush tomorrow.
Peace of mind.
A moment that is…
Never granted to the weak.
Dimes and dilemmas…
Peace is granted in the mind of the fighters.
This world caters to the strength of warriors…
And robs the weak of heart.
We are peasants of the night.
The true, travel on roads so barren,
Resources in this land robbed…
By those that take rather than give.
But the peace in our mind…
Is worth the swords of a thousand soldiers.
Love is a fable…used to alter the minds of our children.
Fairy tales, mixed with dreams of what…not is.
Railroad tracks that criss cross hearts…
And leave us with wounds and torn cartilage.
Falling flat on our face…makes us appreciate…
Not only the moments we truly stand on our feet,
But the moments we’re swept off our feet.
What is it with runners.
They have hearts that are untamable.
Hearts that run from love.
Hearts that run for fun.
Hearts that need no one.
But running doesn’t last forever…
Life has taught me one very valuable lesson.
To kneel on my knees for one God….
But never for the love of a woman.
Feelings wrapped in hearts of traps.
If you think you’re up, get ready…
Because you’ve fallen for someone.
Roses in your hand, truth in your heart…
Your life will be robbed…
If you take one more step.
Tricks, disguised as pretty words.
Hands that warm your hand…
But steal from your heart.
This is a black market of misfortune.
And hearts are sold at dusk.
Fear is the cripple.
And the mind lets it triple.
Until you destroy the good.
That stands next to you.
But solid people stand tall.
Posture that poses no problems.
To the knife’s that life throws.
She was a nice girl.
Someone you could talk to.
A smile that left warmth on your heart.
But inside her mind…
A battle was fought.
And if you reached for this girl.
She’d run from you.
So far. So fast. So swift.
That she stirred dust.
And when it settled…
Your own heart…
Was in your hand.
There was pain in her heart.
Problems in her mind.
She was seeking peace….
Just like you and me.
She fought a battle…
Seven days a week.
But she pushed the problem…
Under the rug.
But when you looked close enough.
You could see it in her eyes.
And when she knew you sensed this,
Is exactly when she’d let you go.
Broken, are these moments…
Where we sit still and bleed.
Where we let life beat us…
Rather than set us free.
You want a blog about you?
Step into my life….
Stir things up…
And walk away.
I’ll set fire on a page…
Describing the very way…
That you affected me.
I might look broken for a moment,
But you can’t break me permanently.
The trials of life, have already tested me.
Purity is a dream, desolate are my dreams.
I have met people…
That need no one.
Want no one.
And I pity that battle.
Because it is bleak, and fake…
And its inside these very people…
That the greatest fires burn.
Flames so warm, that minds melt.
And hearts are literally deceased.
Beating….just to keep a breath and a blink.
Social media…has stolen so many hearts…
Robbed so many dreams…
All while simultaneously broadcasting it….
To hearts that are watching and weak.
Calloused fingertips from burnt cigarettes,
Life is an ongoing lesson, that tests you and me.
We pass with similar grades from universities,
Or we falter, lose our step, and stumble innocently.
It is not failure that fuels me…
But rather the endless possibilities…
Of rightful love opportunities.
I am not here to play the game…
You take me, you break me…
And you lose me.
It’s simple math…
And it’s that very simplicity…
That creates the strength in me.
You don’t let go of something….
You won’t allow yourself to live without.
And that very notion reassures me…
To always stand up for me.
There are moments…
That feel like magic.
But you must ask yourself…
Who is being the wand.
The “real deal” doesn’t have to bend…
I say, bending for others…
Is what makes you the real deal.
Dynamic, with attention to detail.
Concern for others…rather than just yourself.
Life is not a movie trailer, it’s a test.
With lessons taught on every day.
There are frames…
That hold pictures…
That don’t last long.
Bridges we cross…and kiss on…
That we never return to.
Nights that felt like magic.
That we wish NOT…
To be reminded of.
But I will never blame the “love” broken…
For messing with me.
This particular feeling…
On this particular girl…
Is hard to explain.
But I’ll try.
Judge not my words,
But try to understand my heart.
At one point in our lives…
We all stand on bridges…
That we’ll never cross again.
I set a goal this year….
To turn 2010 from my toughest year…
To my best year.
And I’ve still got 31 days left…
I’ll make it…
People don’t bail on you in life…
They bail on themselves…
Habits that wreak havoc,
Blisters that burn lives.
But if you examine a balance sheet,
You notice one thing consistently,
Assets are NEVER mixed with liabilities,
And I do my best to keep them far from me.
Dating is NOT easy.
And it was my turn to be reminded.
Lesson learned. Again.
You can’t miss someone you’ve never truly met.
You can’t love someone you never truly knew…
*** I apologize for the format change from here on out. My breathing finally slowed down, and i didnt want to continue in such a choppy fashion....
Tonight I write. I turn the page of life. I let my pen take over, and watch this story come alive. I get chills. When I sit to write, it takes me back to places that hurt me. I’m a lover, not a fighter, but you cant get through life, without confronting the fights…
To heal, I ask myself to take a journey. Back a little bit, to one day before I met you. I stand in a moment, so unaware of who I was going to meet tomorrow. And I ask that mystery to return to me. I'm not trying to forgot you, but I am trying to forget that I like you. trying to forget that I miss you. Trying to forget that I was ready for you.
“There is humor in everything. Irony in everything.” And there are also people that step up to moments, and take their running shoes off. My words rest when I'm happy. But when something is hurting me, the words flow from me. The dam breaks, and the fish swim free.
I'm not a wanted man, but I am a willing man. Willing to give my heart, to those around me. Willing to wrap my mental wings, around those that attempt to understand me. I don’t have to like anyone, but I did choose to like someone…
Is love everlasting? Or is it just a series of moments? Opportunities we collect while we can, stashed away in a shoe box, marked with your name...
If you neglect a rose, it will wilt, and if you neglect a love, the idea will die. The moment will squander, and the memory will fade. This is not easy, this is heavy. The weight of a million moments, that will never happen. Sometimes, my envy in others shines through. The happiness I see, wishing I could walk just one mile in their shoes. And soak up these moments, collect them in coat pockets, before I set back out on my own.
But you can't win them all, so fight for the ones that matter, the ones that face you, stand by you, and love you. And unless two people agree on a mistake, its finalized as a good break.
I dream of kisses, that taste sweet, like a caramel mocha sundae, but never run out, hands that hold tight, like a roller coaster ride. We don't choose who we fall for, but they sure choose when they let us fall, flat on our faces, or sliding down the wall. Love will always require four open hands, and two open minds, to create two hearts that beat as one.
My strength is the people, my readers and my army, my fuel is my mind and my dilemmas. The people that have bled, fought for love, and healed through the power of God and their own mind, are the very people that inspire me to write. I write to express common grounds in hearts far and near. I write for the hearts that could, but don't speak out. I write for the lives of lovers and dreamers that live in shackles, bound in time.
If you're going to dig around for answers, be sure you can handle the outcome, or you shouldn't be asking...
We could only pray, that when we fall for the wrong person, they are selflessness enough to catch us, long enough to stand us up, and let us go. So thank you, for catching me when I fell, and letting me go. If you have to convince someone to like you, be convinced that they DON'T like you. My mind tells me you don't have to accept what is, until you're truly ready to wake up from the dream.
Life WILL create the bridge, YOU will decide whether you cross...
You can't make someone care, but you can walk away when they don't. Cold air makes you feel every breath as you breathe, as you think, and as you search for relief. Cold air has become so familiar to me.
Make your defeats in life temporary, or they will haunt you for years. And those that enter and leave my life, aren't taking from me, they're taking a piece of me, and they're teaching me, more and more about me.
But sometimes breaking something, actually fixes something else. I find beauty and endearment in the trials of life. Pain is proof that we're not just alive, but actually living. And the strength we attain from these memories, is what makes us who we are tomorrow.
This is not creative writing, these are candid conversations I have with myself, fights, that I battle with reason, and look for the wrong, to make things right. Don't fight the people that fight themselves, because you'll lose. Fight your heart, but don't fight life.
At some point in your life, you'll stand on a bridge, that you'll never go back to...
But my problem, is putting too many people before ME, it’s like a business plan built for failure, rejected by the bank of hearts. And one day, I will write words, with mixed verbs, that will steal hearts back from the thieves of broken minds.
The fight stops...when the fight...stops.
Sometimes people ask me what's the matter, I tell them nothing is the matter, but its the mind that matters. Memories moving through my mind like city parade's. Candy for the kings, words for the mind.
The greatest gift you can give, is often given in someone else's life, rather than your own. Selflessness is a trait acquired through the joy of seeing happiness in the eyes of those you love. Giving, of your time, your heart, and your truth, is then multiplied in your own life.
Happiness is gathered in the moments we give, rather than the moments we get. And love is a moment to embrace these moments. My words multiple like the legs of millipedes and centipedes and spread across your heart like the blue turf of our favorite boys.
But one day, I wanna write songs, that build wings on the broken, and carry them through the tough times, I wanna put food in the hands of the unfortunate, and bring peace to not only the middle east, but to all minds undivided in all nations alike.
It was a perfect start, three nights that felt like three years, knowing she was leaving, knowing there would be tears. Keep it simple I told myself, but these feelings, they multiplied without my consent. They grew like vines in a fairy tale. They grew like relaxation from red wine.
Saturated by smiles, hand in hand for hopefully.....miles. Nope. I got passed by. Broken down on the life freeway, a flat tire preventing me from merging to divert this mess.
Moments of broken bridges, collapsed buildings, chaos in me. Hearts on fire, torn pages, and flames engulfing picture frames. Rapid...rapid heart beats, that increase the breathing in me. Moments that rattle me, place a momentary jitter in me. Nerves that increase the feeling in me, and questions, that need to be answered for me. But they aren't, haven't been, and won't be. So I adjust my perception, and lose a little of me, to see it from your eyes.
Advances in talent, tailor fit to my life, tripping on moments that rock my heart. Frugal investments measured with caution leaving craters in my mind. Relativity, transpiring a feeling, explained as anything but generic to me. The curve of the hand, the sensory of the nerves, the cradle of the curves, exploding the emotions in me. I want more, I want nothing less than the best of you, the most of you, reserved for me, and in return, I'll return the same feeling you put in me. And THAT’S the very dream, that will remain alive in me…
Its hard not to text you. Not to bother you constantly. All I want to do is be next to you. Hugging you, kissing you, holding your hand. And night, the last thing I do, is hope that I dream about you. I wonder constantly, what's on your mind, wondering if its the same thing on my mind. Visions of us, mixed with the memories we'll make, the chances we'll take, and the moments we'll share… NOPE.
Problems that can't be measured with pro tractors, sometimes real life gets to me. The answers are exposed not in a moment, but rather through time, a schedule that fits God's timing, not mine. I'm not seeking someone who simply "goes" through the motions, I'm seeking someone who soaks up the moments. Someone who lives for these moments, and treats me like gold tokens.
I don't write for fun, I write for freedom from pain, I write to retain the feeling of living and feeling. I write to sustain moments in my body that make me feel alive. I write to scribble out moments that leave stains on my mind. I write to repeat the feelings that teach me lessons, I don't write to complain.
I write on lonesome nights where memories and red wine fuel my veins. I write when someone in my life causes moments of pain. Moments of feelings that linger and remain. I write when someone I know has entered my heart, and hasn't handled it the right way.
But I use words for weapons, and my mind for ignition. Emotion was a strain for you, and that caused pain in me, often times, I felt like only a friend to you. Tarantulas that embark on wars, dreams that start with a prize in the cracker jacks.
Call me a dreamer, but I'll always place faith over philosophy. My trust in God is the light that guides me, the wisdom the reassures me, and the forgiveness, that makes me believe in me. Take a moment to acknowledge a need other than yours, it’s rewarding. Let the waves of these words crash on your shores.
I don't talk back, I don't talk trash, I challenge minds that matter in my life.
But my heart renders more high's and low's than the continental divide. Mountains that rob the oxygen from me, rivers that drown me, but my strength is my voice, my reason is my mind, and my mistake is my open heart, my open arms, my open sign, that exposes me.
And when you kill a rose, you can't bring it back to life, but you can always plant a new seed. And hope its carried by the breeze, over barren sea's, until it brushes against your knees, and if you pick me, and love me, these roots will plant memories in a soil so rich, a legacy will be left behind, from you and me.
You could follow a river for miles, and it will always lead you to the sea, eventually, dumping the silt of your life from tributaries into delta's, cleansing this mess from you and me, washing out the enemies of fear in our minds.
I’m not writing to keep you, I’m writing because I lost you. I’ve learned in life not to let someone do the same damage to you twice, so I know it’s over, and that’s fine. But I’m just writing to you, hoping you’re remember those moments, that seemed real to me. The moments where I thought you believed in me, and wanted to be with me. This is not punishment to you, this is punishment to me. It would be a whole lot easier to deny ANY emotion in my body. But I’d be cheating those around me, and most importantly, I’d be cheating myself. That is not living, that’s just life.
I guess from here, the wind spells out goodbye. No more questions of why. I will close my eyes and accept that I don’t always get to choose the destination of this crazy ride. I pray for you. Every night. For the things we talked about in your driveway that night, and the move you’re about to make. Even in my most painful moments, I can put others in front of me. Stay true to the course. All of it. Meeting you was a proud moment in my life, that actually meant something to ME…
And if you ever see this bridge again, I hope you remember a time, when you took me there on a cold November night. When you kissed me, and told me you liked me…I hope in that very moment…you truly did.