************DISCLAIMER TO THE READER************

These words are written with no distaste or disrespect. These words are written specifically for me. And if they're read by your mind, just remember, they weren't written with any particular audience in mind. The YOU is not you, the he is not him, and the she is not her. These words are simply my imagination at work. If you dislike, or disagree, it doesn't even matter to me. You are merely more than a distraction to me, if you have negativity for me. Say something, say nothing, it doesn't matter to me. You might be able to beat me up, but you'll never conquer my mind. My ideologies are present at times, but i push them on no one, at any time. The characters in my lines may be fictitious, or possibly may not be. Either way, I'll never succumb to your questions, so don't bother me. I won't explain anything I've ever said in words. You either get it or you don't. But don't ever ask me what anything means. I know what ALL of it means, and that's ALL that matters to me...

Read on if you want, let your mind mingle with mine. Or save yourself from these words, before they enter your mind. I cannot guarantee these words will stimulate your brain, but I can guarantee that these words are 100% mine. Never copied, borrowed, stolen, or plagiarized. This is stuff thats's extracted from different depths within me. Sometimes shallow, sometimes deep, sometimes without beginnings or endings, but all of it comes from me. Derived from love, from pain, from those that get inside of me. And what's left on this page, was once a thought, sight, or feeling. Channeled through my body, my nerves, to the tip of my hand, ending as ink on this page, leaving me with either a smile, or a straight face...

So go on, to the next page, or just go away...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Make Believe


One text on one night.
Opening the vault of the twilight.
Slivers that cut and sting.
Stains like purple Kool-Aid.
They don't jolt me like they use to...
But rather they embed the fact,
That you still haven't forgot me.
I use to say good...
But now I murmur...
Go away from me.

You boast of every ex that wants you back,
But I Don't...

Your text reads...
"Make Peace With The Past,
So It Wont Screw Up The Present."

Well, I have made peace with the "Problem"
And it wont screw up my "Promise" to me.
No longer do I bow to the rule of Castro,
But rather I rise to a God...
That understands equal compromise.

I've learned, I can bring the Thunder,
And I can also make it go away.
I have dropped memories off a cliff,
So high, so vast, that I cant get them back.
This is my token. My treasure. This is me.
Breaking out of the normal, to write about me.

I don't care who will judge me.
Soft, Broken, Erased, go ahead...
And come at me with the names.
My heart is a jungle of danger,
Scripted from the words of your mouth.
And the very way you've chosen to describe me.

Teach me to be lovable, but don't teach me for free.
Teach me to love, and absorb love alike.
Teach me to turn my back on selfish creatures,
The minute they show that side to me.

Teach me of Culture, Creativity, and Simplicity.
Teach me how to sleep at night.
And let go of the hands I love.
Teach me how to burn these photos,
And dream of taking new ones,
With new faces, and hands that don't give up.

Teach me of a love so deep, so true...
That its the first foundation we lay,
To hold on and get through.
I scoff at the concern you imply you have.
A dear concern of a broken memory.

Your life is not lived in the present.
It is lived with a mirror in front of your face.
A mirror so curved, so molded to your own nose,
that you see nothing, but your beautiful face.
You see not, those that love you, and lay with you.
Those that Burn, Bleed, and Hurt because of you.
But rather you see the world, with only YOU in it.
A world born to give to you, feed you, and provide for you.
I know a man, that wore the skin off his feet, just to follow you.
I tore my heart from my chest, and fed it to you,
On days when your own hunger to consume...grew.

I walked alone, for miles after dark, just to catch you.
I slept without sleep, without dreams, just to think of you.
I conquered, and forgot my own dreams, just to love you.
This was NOT love.  This was robbery, in perfect tight jeans.
This was a moment, where someone fed you from their hand.
And you lay, as Royalty, taking everything I was willing to give.
Nibbling grapes from my fingertips, while I went hungry.

Your creativity for your own empire, never included me.
It never included anyone, but you,, and your dictator mind.
I loved You, I did.  But I had to lose myself, to love you.
I had to forget my own mind and heart, because you had too.
I had to sit, on so many nights, with a shake in my hands.
Unable to write, unable to read, unable to function right.

Feeling a sting in the core of my heart, while you got through.
I didn't wish for any of this, it was washed up on these sandy shores.
We build a fortress for one, and I died when you defended, only you.
The castle was not perfect, it had room for the royalty of only one.
I was pushed out of your life, from the day you met my touch.
I was never your equal, I was your slave, always serving you.
I was an idiot, in love, losing myself, just to love you.

I dreamt one night my mother put out flyer's on the streets.
My son is missing, his name is Adam, and he's lost in love.
If you see him, give him a hug, and guide him back to me.
She posted my photo, but it wasn't recent, cuz she hadn't seen me.
I was a child in this picture, and it was talking to me, begging me.
And in that moment, I realized, I really had lost myself.

I changed my dreams, when I met a girl that I loved.
My mother stood on that street for days, looking for me.
Tears in her eyes, as she begged for her son to come home today.
Adam Pifer, it read, missing from reality, lost in love.
And on this poster, was a finger print of my own,
That told a story about me.  Broken in moments, alive at times.
And one day as I was passing through the streets, I saw that pole.
Where my missing poster was posted, months before.
Tears in my eyes, deprived me of the clarity to read.
I stepped to this poster, and I began to read.

I reached out to touch this poster, and it made me bleed.
I felt the warmth of my family, pressing back on me,
Incredible to feel, as this poster had been posted over a year ago.
But as I tore this poster from its post and held it close,
The warmth from its contents began to race through my heart.
I realized my one true love would NEVER leave me.
And that was the amazing family that had always been there for me.
Tried and True, broken at times by my own lies, my family forgave me.
My family nourished, and fed my stomach, my heart, and my mind.

Waking my mother, in the middle of the night, to share the sound of tears.
Never knowing she got off the phone, and shed tears of her own.
Nights where I couldn't even give her the sound of real words.
And my mother removed the shackles from my heart,
And placed hands around me.
Placed hugs, and the warmth of love around me.

Like a sand castle, washed out by the waves,
My mother was never defeated, and she always rebuilt me.
With a touch of memories, a touch of guidance, and a plethora of love.
And before long, this recipe rendered a child, that still believed in love.
And as these years pass, there is a voice, that will guide me for life.
A voice that never changes, or grows old, because I only hear love.
A voice that guides me, loves me, and would do anything for me.
A voice with a face, a name, and thirty years of loving memories.
A guiding light in a sea of storms, my mother is the fortitude in me.
So many steps in my life have left me tripped up on the ground.
Mud on my face, and discouragement in my heart.
But my mother has never failed to recharge the battery in me.

Maybe love has failed me, with sights set far too high,
But that's only because God has blessed me...
With the most amazing woman in my life.
The fragile heart of my mother, that has truly inspired me.
These are the days...I think about the future...
And I don't mean tomorrow.  I mean a day far from here...
Where certain people in my life are no longer by my side...
When they live in my heart, my mind, and my memories.

This scares me, far more than the end of the Earth.
Far more than the heartbreak of a million women in my life.
I live a difficult life, but maybe its only because I make it that way.
Neglecting the people, that have given the most to me.
My parents, are my statue, in a movie that never stops.
A roller coaster that causes upset stomachs, in you and me.
Tomorrow is never promised, which makes to day a gift.
A moment where we seize opportunities, presented to you and me.
Or we lose this time, never returned to you or me.

Truly inspiring, is the unconditional love of a mother..
Selfish seeds we are, as we grow apart, yet so together.

And on the nights when you text me like tonight,
It is merely textual dialog to me.  A realm of the imagination.
Where you wish to keep a seed planted in me.
These are nothing more than water soluble moments for me.
And the tears are the proof, that they are flooding, but fading memories.
An avalanche of emotion, pushed to the max, as it squeezed from me.
This is not real.  None of this broken heart is real.
She was merely more than a mind maze to me.

I am the pieces, and you the eye...
peeking through the kaleidoscope.
I am the path, and you the shoes.
I am the peasant, and you the Queen...
And I cant help but reply, "as you wish"
To your unreciprocated usage of me.

I guess when I get to the end of these...
I don't know what to say.
Not sure if i should reverse some of the story.
what do i leave the reader with...
A promise of truth in these contents...
Or just another tall tale in me.
I am not looking for games, or trickery.
There is no such thing as a word wizard in me.
I simply rearrange the words and verbs.
Place them in all the wrong places,
like choices in my life.

Let me clear up one thing...
The only truth to any of this...
was the portion on my family.
The rest of it, is people I have made up in my head.
People that never existed to me.
People that were never real to me.
People that were never there for me.
People that never loved like me.
Person. Person. Person. One Person.

That should clear this up.

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